Ghost Shark (2013)

Horror hipsters! It’s ok to like movies like this you know. Yes they’re predominantly awful with bad CGI gore, ridiculous concepts and made for TV sensibilities, but nothing – I repeat, nothing satisfies my post 1am movie craving than a ridiculously titled creature feature. The fact that it’s directed by Griff Furst only adds to the heightened sense of anticipation. He was behind the camera for a lengthy list of DTV horror / sci-fi ‘classics’ such as I Am Omega, Arachnoquake, Swamp Sharks as well as the very worthy indie horror Mask Maker. All in all, we know we’re in safe hands for… Ghost Shark.

Let’s talk about the plot. We’ve got some backwoods folk out doing some late night fishing who happen to cross the path of a great white. Being snarling world weary men of experience, they engage it in a battle of sorts but deal the fatal blow with the assistance of a handgun and a crossbow. Before you’ve got chance to grab that Robert Shaw measured glass of bourbon, the ailing shark manages to limp – as only sharks can, over to a ‘magic cave’ where it acquires the ability to haunt the waters in which it met its fate as… Ghost Shark.

When I say waters, you must understand that I use that term in its loosest possible sense. Yeah, you’ve got it – not only is this aquatic beast wreaking his vengeance off the coast, he’s also raiding pool parties, plumbing assignments, bikini clad car washes and even fat kids on lawn based water slides. Beware folks, land holds no barriers for…. the Ghost Shark.

Fear not though people, if this crazy shit happened to your portion of suburbia, there’s only one person that you’d call upon – star of Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn, prepare yourself for Richard Moll. As the town ‘crazy’, Moll is called upon to offer sage advice on the mysterious cave, but first the cool kids who have managed to survive the fury of this amphibious demon must sober him up before they can glean the relevant fix to rid their hamlet of the curse… of the Ghost Shark.

In its ten year history the Syfy channel has managed to pump out over 200 original movies (either self-produced or acquired) and chances are that deep down in your consciousness you have a deep yearning for one of them. Mine is Mega Python vs Gatoroid – hey, it’s Tiffany and Debbie Gibson having a catfight in cocktail dresses, c’mon! By now, you know that when you turn on Syfy on a Saturday night you can guess exactly what you’re going to run into. For some reason though, these films still generate an overwhelming level of hate, which I find baffling. They know what they are, and they know what they’re producing. Go and dig out Corman’s Attack of the Crab Monsters and tell me if it’s any different to what Syfy are doing? Embrace it, crack open a beer (or six) and bask in low budget, common sense defying, batshit crazy creature features! Do it… or the Ghost Shark will get you!

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