Matty gets fruity with a pair of Royal Oaks T&A capers.

Around five years before he’d unleash a decade-long run of bikini movies, typified by the likes of Bikini Airways (2003) and Bikini Chain Gang (2005), Fred Olen Ray leased the swimsuit cinema concept to Royal Oaks (via subdivision Palm Entertainment), essentially allowing them to franchise — no pun intended — his earlier T&A classic, Bikini Drive-In (1995). The two resulting pictures were both written by Kimberly Read and produced by Robyn Scott; the then-wives of Ray and Royal Oaks boss, Andrew Stevens, respectively. 

As with its predecessor, a cynic could argue that BIKINI HOE-DOWN (1997) is marred by a conflicting tone. Its ultra-spicy scenes of softcore shagging are at odds with the knockabout silliness, and the feminism is contradicted by the more exploitative elements. However, while ultimately inferior to the ace Bikini Drive-In in terms of quality, Hoe-Down — a hick twist on the premise, replete with an overlapping cast (albeit in different roles) — also transcends any gripe due to its game, ‘let’s put on a show!’ attitude and sweet-natured centre. 

Again directed by Ray (credited as ‘Roger Collins’) and again benefitting from his breezy approach, Hoe-Down finds a bickering girl group, The Three Seasons, helping a hillbilly clan conquer a nasty senator out to grab the land their ramshackle farm is built on. Naturally, the inter-band tensions subside once the ladies start rolling around in the hay with a variety of eccentric suitors, and the message at the film’s core is a positive affirmation of family, friends, and the sisterhood. 

Featuring a car chase cribbed from Jackson County Jail (1977) (per Stevens’ gentleman’s agreement with frequent collaborator Roger Corman, which enabled them to use footage from each other’s movies) and often very funny, Hoe-Down’s best gag is a running joke about hippy artist Barak Schurr painting his masterpiece. Alongside the A-grade buffoonery of Ray stalwarts Peter Spellos and Hoke Howell, and the deadpan delivery of semi-regulars Carl Lamb and Tom Ferguson, the joke’s delightfully daft punchline hits like an uppercut. 

Available today in truncated form on various streaming platforms as ‘Mystery on Makeout Mountain’, Bikini Hoe-Down debuted on PPV on Wednesday 3rd September 1997.

Four weeks later, on Wednesday 1st October, the film was joined by its stablemate, BIKINI TRAFFIC SCHOOL (1997) [1]. 

Shepherded by Gary Graver – who, quelle surprise, photographed Bikinis Drive-In and Hoe-Down – and opening with the same Las Vegas stock shots and titty bar footage used in the Welles disciple’s preceding Royal Oaks assignment, Sexual Roulette (1997), the plot involves another land grab and another gaggle of plucky lasses — a trio of strippers — having to thwart it. This time, the day is saved through the magic of the eponymous facility, where there’s a distinct lack of beachwear and, indeed, road safety awareness.   

Stricken by a shocking technical crudity and a terrible, dawdling pace, Bikini Traffic School is an endurance test. Given how well a lot of Graver’s hardcore work balances skin and slapstick, the complete lack of energy feels nothing short of contemptuous. Worse is the awkward narrative shift between the initial Vegas beats and the eventual Hollywood setting. Such splits are a classic Graver device; in Bikini Traffic School though, it comes across as cruel, self-abusive pastiche.

Nevertheless, if you’re in a forgiving mood, this largely rubbish offering: does OK on the boobs n’ butt front; boasts some amusing ‘boing!’ sound effects whenever bosoms are presented; and benefits from splashes of savvy guerrilla location shooting. And at the very least it’s fun playing ‘spot the Ray/Graver regular’ among the cast, with talent previously employed in Maximum Security (1996), Invisible Dad (1997), Little Miss Magic (1998), The Escort (1997), and, of course, Bikini Drive-In and Bikini Hoe-Down all making up the ensemble.

Incidentally, the aforementioned Peter Spellos – billed as ‘G. Gordon Baer’ in Hoe-Down, and ‘T. Stewart Hall’ in Traffic School – is the only cast member to appear in all three pictures in the Bikini trilogy. The scenes with him, his goons and his secretary (scripter Read) in Traffic School were lensed in Royal Oaks’ office block; a venue Graver used again in The Escort II (1998).

L: The girls of Bikini Hoe-Down – Shayna Ryan, Ashlie Rhey, and Maureen Flaherty; R: The girls of Bikini Traffic School – Shari Eckert, Maureen Flaherty, and Shayna Ryan

[1] Rotation on – where else? – Cinemax soon followed. In the U.K., the entire Bikini trilogy was released straight to video in reverse order by frequent Royal Oaks distributor, Third Millennium. Traffic School dropped first, in late 1997; Hoe-Down was retitled ‘Bikini Cowgirls’ and landed in early ‘98; and Drive-In surfaced in early ‘00.